Coaching Through Setbacks: Resilience Without Toxic Positivity

Every coaching relationship eventually meets a setback. The promotion goes to someone else, the business launch falls flat, the new habit collapses in week three, or something outside work knocks everything sideways. How a coach responds in that moment can shape whether the client comes away stronger or quietly gives up.

There is a tempting wrong answer: rush to the bright side. "Everything happens for a reason." "Look at it as a learning opportunity." "At least you still have your health." This is often called toxic positivity: insisting on an upbeat attitude in a way that leaves no room for real disappointment, fear or grief. It usually comes from a kind place, but it can leave people feeling unheard.

This guide looks at what resilience actually means, according to psychologists, how coaches can support it without forcing optimism, and when a setback calls for more than coaching.

What Resilience Is, and What It Isn't

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines resilience as "the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress." It notes that resilience can involve bouncing back and also "profound personal growth."

Just as important is what the APA says resilience is not. "Being resilient doesn't mean that a person won't experience difficulty or distress," its guidance states, adding that "the road to resilience is likely to involve considerable emotional distress." The APA also describes resilience as something built from behaviors, thoughts and actions that anyone can learn, rather than a fixed trait some people have and others lack.

Researchers are still refining the concept. A 2023 review in the Annual Review of Psychology, by Allison Troy and colleagues including Iris Mauss and James Gross, notes that people vary greatly in how they respond to adversity, and that the research literature shows little consensus on how to define resilience. They describe it as faring better than would be expected given the adversity someone faces.

For coaches, the takeaway is simple. A resilient client is not one who feels fine. It is one who is adapting, and adapting usually hurts for a while.

Why Forced Positivity Backfires

Toxic positivity often pushes people to hide what they feel. The Troy review summarizes research on expressive suppression, meaning hiding outward signs of emotion. A meta-analysis it cites found that suppression reliably changed what people showed on the outside but had no consistent effect on the negative feelings themselves. Other studies it describes suggest suppression may also reduce positive feelings. The review adds that habitual suppression has been associated with symptoms of depression and anxiety, though culture can change these effects.

By contrast, the review describes emotional acceptance, including fully experiencing feelings without trying to change them, as linked to resilience in research by Ford and colleagues. It also describes reappraisal, genuinely reinterpreting a situation, as associated with less negative and more positive emotion. The key word is genuinely. A client who finds new meaning in a setback has reappraised it. A client who is told to see the bright side has not.

The review also stresses fit. No coping strategy is inherently good or bad; it depends on the situation. For example, it cites findings that people who use problem-solving coping on largely uncontrollable adversity report more psychological symptoms than people who use it on controllable problems. Pushing a client to "fix it" when they cannot is its own form of toxic positivity.

A Coaching Approach to Setbacks

The APA groups its resilience strategies around four core components: connection, wellness, healthy thinking and meaning. Several translate naturally into a coaching conversation, roughly in this order:

1. Acknowledge first. Let the client tell the story without hurrying them. Reflect what you hear, including the feelings: "That sounds like a real blow." Only move on when they are ready.
2. Sort what can and can't be changed. The APA suggests accepting that some goals may no longer be attainable, so you can focus on what you can alter. Ask: "Which parts of this are in your hands, and which aren't?"
3. Look back for resources. The APA recommends looking at who or what helped in earlier hard times. "When have you come through something difficult before? What helped?"
4. Find one small step. The APA suggests asking, "What's one thing I know I can accomplish today that helps me move in the direction I want to go?" Small, realistic actions rebuild a sense of agency.
5. Check on support. Connection is one of the APA's core components. Ask who the client can lean on, without prescribing it.
6. Let meaning come later. The APA notes that people often find they have grown through a struggle. That insight is valuable when the client arrives at it, and hollow when a coach supplies it too early.

Coaches can also notice the basics without overstepping. The APA lists sleep, nutrition, hydration and exercise as part of taking care of your body, and warns against masking pain with alcohol or drugs. A coach can ask how the client is looking after themselves. A coach should not diagnose or give medical advice.

Words That Help, and Words That Minimize

Here are a few illustrative swaps. They are suggestions, not scripts:

• Instead of "Everything happens for a reason," try "This really wasn't what you hoped for."
• Instead of "At least...," try "What's the hardest part of this for you?"
• Instead of "Stay positive!", try "What do you need right now, if anything?"
• Instead of "What's the lesson here?", try, later on, "Looking back, is there anything you'd want to carry forward from this?"

Our guide to active listening for coaches covers reflecting feelings and summarizing in more depth.

When to Refer

Coaching can support someone through a setback, but it is not therapy, and some setbacks need more. The APA says it is important to get professional help if you feel unable to function as well as you would like, or to perform basic activities of daily living, as a result of a traumatic or stressful experience. A licensed mental health professional, such as a psychologist, can help.

Signs a coach should raise a referral include:

• distress that is not easing over time, or is getting worse
• trouble sleeping, eating, working or caring for themselves or others
• signs of heavy drinking or drug use to cope
• talk of hopelessness or of not wanting to be alive

The International Coaching Federation's Code of Ethics asks coaches to stay alert to signs of a shift in the value the client is getting from coaching and to discuss "the potential for a different coach, professional, or resource." The National Institute of Mental Health suggests starting with a primary care provider, who can screen and refer, or using SAMHSA's FindTreatment.gov to locate services. Our guide to coaching versus therapy explains how to make this conversation feel caring rather than rejecting.

If someone is in crisis in the United States, they can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, free and confidential at any hour. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.

Key takeaways

• The APA defines resilience as adapting well to adversity, and stresses that it usually involves real distress, not its absence.
• Research reviewed by Troy and colleagues links hiding emotions to poorer outcomes and emotional acceptance to resilience.
• Good setback coaching acknowledges feelings first, separates what can be changed from what can't, and builds one small next step.
• Meaning and growth should come from the client, not be supplied by the coach.
• Persistent distress, trouble functioning or talk of hopelessness calls for a referral; in a US crisis, call or text 988.

Sources

• American Psychological Association, Building your resilience (updated 2020)
• Troy and colleagues, Psychological Resilience: An Affect-Regulation Framework, Annual Review of Psychology (2023)
• International Coaching Federation, ICF Code of Ethics
• National Institute of Mental Health, Help for Mental Illnesses
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, Get Help